A softer version of resilience
As we come to terms with languishing, pandemic fatigue, burnout levels at an all time high the idea of being (more) resilient feels like something worth exploring.
When I think about my relationship with resilience, I remember a very challenging year of my life, difficult on a personal and professional level. At the annual appraisal meeting I was asked what I thought I needed to improve. Without missing a beat, I said, ‘I need to become more resilient.’ And just like that an online resilience course was signed off. Today, this feels utterly ridiculous. I was more resilient than ever during this year and my performance was actually solid despite wading through treacle all year. But somehow, I confused resilience with the steeliness of not feeling the emotional impact of adversity.
False beliefs around resilience
This story illustrates a couple of false beliefs I held which aren’t uncommon:
Firstly, resilient people don’t suffer or struggle. They sail calmly through adversity without being emotionally affected.
Secondly, when things get tough, get tougher.
Maybe the only helpful assumption in this story was my belief that a resilience course could help. Because resilience is indeed a skill we can learn.
Defining resilience
Resilience is one’s ability to bounce back from adversity.
These days I believe the operative term in this definition of resilience is ‘bounce’. It is about practicing a softness and flexibility in our response to adversity instead of the tough version of resilience. It’s a willingness to surrender to the challenge with realistic optimism (not false positivity). It’s the believe that change is possible. It’s the ability to remain curious and look for the opportunities without dismissing the hurt or fear experienced during the tough times. This is also at the heart of self-kindness: acknowledge the pain; accept struggle as a part of life and of being human; and don’t judge yourself for struggling.
No resilience without recovery
The other aspect that is often overlooked in resilience is the need for recovery.
We have to come full circle. It’s easy to develop some sort of tunnel vision during hard times. We simply keep going, worried that a loss of momentum could paralyze us, or we might simply fall apart as soon as we stop. And just like that we miss the recovery stage. We attend rehabilitation after physical injuries. After emotional injuries, we tend to think we need to be back in the game quickly. Our nervous systems, however, need to recover fully from the impacts of stress.
This is not just true for extremely stressful periods or when going through a traumatic event or time. It also applies to the everyday stress of work and life. We don’t necessarily enter the rest and recovery state when we stop working. The brain can remain at work for hours after the end of the workday. Its default network keeps solving problems. Making the switch becomes harder for those who started working from home during the pandemic; because one chance to reset is offered by a change of place; many of us are now tethered to work not only by technology, but also physically as the transition is less obvious.
Is your brain always-on or mind-wandering?
There is a difference between an always-on brain that’s stuck in work mode, maybe ruminating, or worrying about a problem, and a mind-wandering brain pondering the same problem with curiosity in rest mode. The latter can lead to these wonderful aha-moments when we make significant progress on a project while not working. The former leads to exhaustion and burnout, a drop in productivity, creativity and problem-solving power. And of course, a drop in your overall wellbeing.
Resilience is a skill
Luckily, one of my assumptions in the mentioned performance review scenario was helpful: that resilience is a skill that can be learned. Once learned, it must be practiced. I will happily admit that I never completed said online course that was prescribed to me. In my bones I must have understood that the last thing my brain needed was more stuff to think about. Instead, I used — as so often — my creativity to reflect on and integrate my experiences from that year.
The resilience-building ingredients of creativity
Creativity allows you to experience joy and other pleasant emotions. If you can find an activity that gives you joy, lets you forget time, and helps you experience a state of flow your brain will get deep rest, process events and get ready to tackle challenges again. Harnessing the benefits of creativity isn’t limited to the Capital A types of art. You don’t need to paint that canvas. Creativity is also cooking, baking (sourdough anyone?), gardening, writing in your journal, playing, singing, filming (not watching!) TikTok videos…
Creative endeavours let you experience mastery and keep you curious as you experiment and learn. It lets you practice problem-solving in a more playful context. As Brené Brown writes,
“Creativity embeds knowledge so that it can become practice. We move what we are learning from our heads to our hearts through our hands. We are born makers, and creativity is the ultimate integration — it is how we fold our experiences into our being…”
Creativity requires you to make time and focus on your chosen creative task. It is a practice of being present, connecting with your senses and managing distractions.
And often, creativity doesn’t happen in isolation either, we connect with others. We meet people in online groups, forums or attend courses and by doing that we tap into another great resilience builder: relationships.
The neatness of offering a three-step approach to a better life has become popular. But I believe in finding a personalised set of tools, techniques and activities that restore and support you based on your unique needs and circumstances. Therefore, the first step to strengthening your resilience is to probably be willing to experiment and notice what feels good and supportive for your body and your mind.
Which relationship is supportive?
Which activity brings you joy?
What are the moments when you remain curious and open-minded?
What does your body need?
A walk or a nap, quiet time or the company of others, calming down or an injection of energy?
The more you can practice your resilience skills during good times, the easier you’ll be able to access them when things get tough.